i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
