so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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