I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
