In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
