i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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