Kiss
Puke
Can i not drive my cunt home
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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