Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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