so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
