Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
