I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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