your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize