That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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