porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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