"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
