My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
