wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
