You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
