The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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