you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
