Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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