His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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