I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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