Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
