My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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