watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
