I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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