i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
