Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
