WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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