my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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