I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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