Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
