dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
