I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
