I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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