I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We left the knife in your bed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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