i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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