im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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