I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
