oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
