Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
