You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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