you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
