You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
