I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
