New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
