This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
