I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The feeling are messing with the penis
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize