I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
