good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
