I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
