Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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