Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
