Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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