Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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