Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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