He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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