I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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