just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is Oprah even human
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
