She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize