he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
